This does describe me. I have always found comfort and peace in my own space. When I found myself always in my own space. Peace and comfort was not what I was experiencing.
What had changed? Well before when I went to be alone it was a rest. A pause! I have always been a busy person with a busy life filled with responsibilities. From the time I was a little girl I had to be responsible. My parents were older when I was born. I was an accident! Haha! An awesome one! Just sayin! 😊 By the time I was 10 my Dad was in his late 50’s and my Mom in her early 50’s. Both had medical issues. We had emergencies at our home way to often. Nursing my Dad after a stroke at 12. Holding my Mom as she convulsed at 13. Responsibility came early for me. I would not change it for the world. My parents were beautiful, wonderful people who taught me strength, determination, and honor!
I grew up in the 70’s and 80’s, where as a woman you were encouraged to be who you were but the expectation was you get married and have children. Live in a little house, work hard and retire into the sunset. It was a confusing time. I think it is only when you get to a point in your life where you say “I make my own road” is the point we are truly free.
I tested the waters of breaking into the “Male oriented” workforce. I have always been a little bit of a tomboy! Lol! And a rebel! I was the first woman 2x to work in different jobs. Took a lot of shit and gave some back! Lol! But most important earned a lot of respect. I have fond memories of those times. But those times created a lot of responsibility. And to this day. I have a job with a lot of responsibility. And I very much do like my job. 4 years to retirement tho! Just sayin! Lol!
Work is not the only responsibility I took on. I got married twice. Looking for that white picket fence and the beautiful sunset I was supposed to walk into. Did not exactly work out that way. We will just leave it at that! Had 2 beautiful children and took on the Mom/wife/work role. As anyone of us know that is huge! But again would not give up the weight of the responsibility for the joy of my daughters and now grandchildren. Was involved in the community and volunteered for numerous things. Even ran for public office twice in the town I grew up in. Those were interesting experiences!
I also have a active social life. A large social circle that spans the world. I am a very lucky lady in the fact that I have some very good friends! While this is not really a responsibility, it requires energy and planning. My house was a constant flow of people with friends, family, and kids! I remember pulling in the driveway and the backyard being filled with vans with people sitting on the back deck drinking beer. They were out for a cruise and stopped to party with us and we were not home so they started without us! Hahaha! Love it! Again fond memories and warm feelings! Would not have changed that for the world.
Then came that day. It was after the sale of my marital home. I had been with my husband for almost 30 years. In the same house for 24. I had a bought a beautiful little house near the lake. My youngest daughter had moved out just before the sale. When I first bought the house there was a lot to do. It was a big property with a primary heat source of wood. Something I had never dealt with. Learning curves are fun but that one was a little back breaking! Lol! After settling in I stood in the house and looked around and an emptiness surrounded me. It was quiet. Too quiet. Was this what lonely felt like? I did not like it.
What was I missing in my life that left me with that such an overwhelming emptiness? Was it the huge change I had just been through? Was it because I did not have a husband? I had a man in my life for a long time. No that was not it. I have always been a very independent person. My daughters both grew up very independent and I am very proud of the beautiful women they have become! It was the responsibility that came with it all! I was only responsible for me. For the first time in my life. No one needed me! I was lost! Thinking back I am sure that is how I got conned. He got me to feel responsible for him. The one thing I was missing.
The next year was spent trying to understand what I was feeling. Taking care of the house and dealing with the fallout from the con.
I think one of the best things I did for all of it was move into the van. Moving into a small space. Really there is only room for me in there. It made the feeling of only taking care of me ok! If that makes sense! It was almost a feeling of guilt and sorrow that I let go of the desire to be responsible for everyone. I had to be for a long time. It was hard to change that part of me. But it was also a new sense of freedom that I had never felt before. Finally I once again felt comfort and peaceful in my own space.
I share my journey in the hope that for all of you that are transitioning in somewhere that you did not think you would be know that given a little time and patience with yourself you can find your own comfort!
Thanks for coming along on my Chipmunk Adventure! See you next time!
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